This is just a sample text to illustrate parallel text used for teaching reading of traditional spelling. If you want to read the whole text, control+click The Water Cure to view it on OneDrive.
1,002 words per column.
From Gullible’s Travels, Etc.
By RING W. LARDNER
Sorry about the columns being out of step. I tried. WordPress doesn’t copy Word as in the original.
THE WATER CURE – DHV WOTUR KYWR
|When it comes to makin’ matches I hand it to the women.
When it comes to breakin’ ’em leave it to the handsomer sex.
The thirteenth o’ June didn’t light on a Friday, but old Tuesday come through in the pinch with just as good results.
Dear little Sister-in-law Bess blew in on the afternoon train from Wabash.
She says she was makin’ us a surprise visit.
The surprise affected me a good deal like the one that was pulled on Napoleon at Waterloo, Ia.
“How long are you goin’ to light up our home?” I ast her at the supper table.
“I haven’t made up my mind,” says she.
“That’s all you’ve missed, then,” I says.
“Don’t mind him!” says my Missus.
“He’s just a tease.
You look grand and we’re both tickled to death to have you here.
You may stay with us all summer.”
“No question about that,” I says.
“Not only may, but li’ble to.”
“If I do,” says Bess, “it’ll be on my sister’s account, not yourn.”
“But I’m the baby that settles your sister’s account,” I says; “and it was some account after you left us last winter.
With your visit and our cute little trip to Palm Beach, I’m not what you’d call cramped for pocket space.”
“I guess I can pay my board,” says Bess.
“I guess you won’t!” says the Wife.
“The second guess is always better,” says I.
“As for you entertainin’ me, I don’t expect nothin’ like that,” says Bess.
“If you was lookin’ for a quiet time,” I says, “you made a big mistake by leavin’ Wabash.”
“And I’m not lookin’ for no quiet time, neither,” Bess says right back at me.
“Well,” says I, “about the cheapest noisy time I can recommend is to go over and set under the elevated.”
“Maybe Bess has somethin’ up in her sleeve,” the Missus says, smilin’.
“You ain’t the only man in Chicago.”
“I’m the only one she knows,” says I, “outside o’ that millionaire scenario writer that had us all in misery last winter.
And I wouldn’t say he was over-ardent after he’d knew her a week.”
Then the Wife winked at me to close up and I didn’t get the dope till we was alone together.
“They correspond,” she told me.
“Absolutely,” says I.
“I mean they been writin’ letters to each other,” says the Missus.
“Who’s been buyin’ Bishop’s stamps?” I ast her.
“I guess a man can buy his own stamps when he gets ten thousand a year,” says she.
“Anyway, the reason Bess is here is to see him.”
“Is it illegal for him to go to Wabash and see her?” I says.
“He’s too busy to go to Wabash,” the Wife says.
“I don’t see how a man could be too busy for that,” says I.
“She phoned him this noon,” says the Missus.
“He couldn’t come over here to-night, but to-morrow he’s goin’ to take her to the ball game.”
“Where all the rest o’ the busy guys hangs out,” I says.
“Aren’t the White Sox havin’ enough bad luck without him?”
That reminded me that I’d came home before the final extras was out; so I put on my hat and went over to Tim’s to look at the score-board.
It took me till one A. M. to memorize the batteries and everything.
The Wife was still awake yet when I got home and I had enough courage to resume hostilities.
“If what you told me about Bishop and Bess is true,” I says, “I guess I’ll pack up and go fishin’ for the rest o’ the summer.”
“And leave me to starve, I suppose!” says she.
“Bishop’ll take care of the both o’ you,” I says.
“If he don’t I’ll send you home a couple o’ carp.”
“If you go and leave me it’s the last time!” she says.
“And it shows you don’t care nothin’ about me.”
“I care about you, all right,” I says; “but not enough to be drove crazy in my own house.”
“They’s nothin’ for you to go crazy about,” she says.
“If Bess and Mr. Bishop wants to tie up leave ’em alone and forget about ’em.”
“I’d like nothin’ better,” I says; “but you know they’ll give us no chance to forget about ’em.”
“Why not?” she ast me.
“Because they’d starve to death without us,” I says.
“Starve to death!” she says.
“On ten thousand a year!”
“Now here!” I says.
“Who told you he got that trifle?”
“He did,” says the Wife.
“And how do you know he wasn’t overestimatin’?” I ast her.
“You mean how do I know he wasn’t lyin’?” she says.
“Yes,” says I.
“Because he’s a gentleman,” she says.
“And he told you that, too?” I ast.
“No,” she says.
“I could tell that by lookin’ at him.”
“All right, Clara Voyant!” I says.
“And maybe you can tell by lookin’ at me how much money he borrowed off’n me and never give back.”
“When? How much?” she says.
“One at a time, please,” says I.
“The amount o’ the cash transaction was a twenty-dollar gold certificate.
And the time he shook me down was the evenin’ he took us to hear Ada, and was supposed to be payin’ for it.”
“I can’t believe it,” says the Missus.
“All right,” I says.
“When he brings Bessie home from the ball game to-morrow I’ll put it up to him right in front o’ you.”
“No! You mustn’t do that!” she says.
“I won’t have him insulted.”
“You would have him insulted if I knowed how to go about it,” I says.
“You stayed over to Tim’s too long,” says the Wife.
“Yes,” says I, “and I made arrangements to stay over there every time Bishop comes here.”
“Suit yourself,” she says, and pretended like she was asleep.
Well, the next mornin’ I got to thinkin’ over what I’d said and wonderin’ if I’d went too strong.
But I couldn’t see where.
|When it kvmz to maekin’ machuz I hand it to dhv wimun.
When it kvmz to braekin’ ‘vm leev it to dhv hansumur seks.
Dhv thurteenth u’ Joon didn’t liet on a Friedae, bvt oeld Toozdae kvm throo in dhv pinch with jvst az gwd rizvlts.
Dir litul Sistur-in-lau Bes bloo in on dhe aftrunoon traen frvm Wobash.
She sez she wvz maekin’ vs a surpriez vizut.
Dhv surpriez ufektud me a gwd deel liek dhv wvn dhat wvz pwld on Nupoeleun at Woturloo, Ia.
“Hou long ar yoo goin’ to liet vp our hoem?” I ast hvr at dhv svpur taebul.
“I havn’t maed vp mie miend,” sez she.
“Dhat’s aul yoo’v misd, dhen,” I sez.
“Doent miend him!” sez mie Misuz.
“He’z jvst a teez.
Yoo lwk grand and we’r boeth tikuld to deth to hav yoo hir.
Yoo mae stae with vs aul svmur.”
“No kweschun ubout dhat,” I sez.
“Not oenly mae, bvt lie’bul to.”
“If I do,” sez Bes, “it’l be on mie sistur’z ukount, not yorn.”
“Bvt I’m dhv baeby dhat setulz yor sistur’z ukount,” I sez; “and it wvz svm ukount aftur yoo left vs last wintur.
With yor vizut and our kuet litul trip to Paulm Beech, I’m not whot yoo’d kaul krampd for pokut spaes.”
“I ges I kan pae mie board,” sez Bes.
“I ges yoo woent!” sez dhv Wief.
“Dhv sekund ges iz aulwaez betur,” sez I.
“Az for yoo enturtaenin’ me, I doent ekspekt nvthin’ liek dhat,” sez Bes.
“If yoo wvz lwkin’ for a kwiut tiem,” I sez, “yoo maed a big mustaek by leevin’ Wobash.”
“And I’m not lwkin’ for no kwiut tiem, needhur,” Bes sez riet bak at me.
“Wel,” sez I, “ubout dhv cheepust noizy tiem I kan rekumend iz to go oevur and set vndur dhe eluvaetud.”
“Maeby Bes haz svmthin’ vp in hvr sleev,” dhv Misuz sez, smielin’.
“Yoo aent dhe oenly man in Shikogoe.”
“I’m dhe oenly wvn she knoez,” sez I, “outsied u’ dhat milyuner sunereoe wrietur dhat had vs aul in mizury last wintur.
And I wwdn’t sae he wvz oevur-ardunt aftur he’d knoo hvr a week.”
Dhen dhv Wief winkd at me to kloez vp and I didn’t get dhv doep til we wvz uloen tugedhur.
“Dhae koruspond,” she toeld me.
“Absulootly,” sez I.
“I meen dhae bin wrietin’ leturz to eech vdhur,”sez dhv Misuz.
“Hoo’z bin buyin’ Bishup’s stamps?” I ast hvr.
“I ges a man kan buy hiz oen stamps when he gets ten thouzund a yir,” sez she.
“Enywae, dhv reezun Bes iz hir iz to see him.”
“Iz it ileegul for him to go to Wobash and see hvr?” I sez.
“He’z too bizy to go to Wobash,” dhv Wief sez.
“I doent see hou a man kwd be too bizy for dhat,” sez I.
“She foend him dhis noon,” sez dhv Misuz.
“He kwdn’t kvm oevur hir tu-niet, bvt tu-moroe he’z goin’ to taek hvr to dhv baul gaem.”
“Wher aul dhv rest u’ dhv bizy giez hangz out,” I sez.
“Arn’t dhv Whiet Soks havin’ invf bad lvk without him?”
Dhat rimiendud me dhat I’d kaem hoem bifoer dhv fienul ekstruz wvz out; so I pwt on mie hat and went oevur to Tim’z to lwk at dhv skor-board.
It twk me til wvn A. M. to memuriez dhv baturyz and evrything.
Dhv Wief wvz stil uwaek yet when I got hoem and I had invf kvrij to rizoom hostilutyz.
“If whot yoo toeld me ubout Bishup and Bes iz troo,” I sez, “I ges I’l pak vp and go fishin’ for dhv rest u’ dhv svmur.
“And leev me to starv, I supoez!” sez she.
“Bishup’l taek ker uv dhv boeth u’ yoo,” I sez.
“If he doent I’l send yoo hoem a kvpul u’ karp.
“If yoo go and leev me it’s dhv last tiem!” she sez.
“And it shoez yoo doent ker nvthin’ ubout me.”
“I ker ubout yoo, aul riet,” I sez; “bvt not invf to be droev kraezy in mie oen hous.”
“Dhae’z nvthin’ for yoo to go kraezy ubout,” she sez.
“If Bes and Mr. Bishup wvnts to tie vp leev ‘vm uloen and forget ubout ‘vm.”
“I’d liek nvthin’ betur,” I sez; “bvt yoo knoe dhae’l giv vs no chans to forget ubout ‘vm.”
“Whie not?” she ast me.
“Bikauz dhae’d starv to deth without vs,” I sez.
“Starv to deth!”she sez.
“On ten thouzund a yir!”
“Nou hir!” I sez.
“Hoo toeld yoo he got dhat trieful?”
“He did,” sez dhv Wief.
“And hou do yoo knoe he wvzn’t oevurestumaetin’?” I ast hvr.
“Yoo meen hou do I knoe he wvzn’t liein’?” she sez.
“Yes,’ sez I.
“Bikauz he’z a jentulmun,” she sez.
“And he toeld yoo dhat, too?” I ast.
“No,” she sez.
“I kwd tel dhat by lwkin’ at him.”
“Aul riet, Kleru Voiunt!” I sez.
“And maebe yoo kan tel by lwkin’ at me hou mvch mvny he boroed off’n me and nevur giv bak.”
“When? Hou mvch?” she sez.
“Wvn at a tiem, pleez,” sez I.
“Dhe umount u’ dhv kash transakshun wvz a twenty-dolur goeld surtifikut.
And dhv tiem he shwk me doun wvz dhv eevnin’ he twk vs to hir Odu, and wvz supoezd to be paein’ for it.”
“I kan’t bileev it,” sez dhv Misuz.
“Aul riet,” I sez.
“When he bringz Besy hoem frvm dhv baul gaem tu-moroe I’l pwt it vp to him riet in frvnt u’ yoo.”
“No! Yoo mvsn’t do dhat!” she sez.
“I woent hav him insultud.”
“Yoo wwd hav him insultud if I knoed hou to go ubout it,” I sez.
“Yoo staed oevur to Tim’z too long,” sez dhv Wief.
‘Yes,” sez I, “and I maed uraenjmunts to stae oevur dher evry tiem Bishup kvmz hir.
“Soot yorself,” she sez, and pritendud liek she wvz usleep.
Well, dhv nekst mornin’ I got to thinkin’ oevur whot I’d sed and wvndurin’ if I’d went too strong.
Bvt I kwdn’t see wher.